Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Oh Man...

I hate feeling like I'm a circus performer in someone else's show...and that's exactly how I felt tonight!!

After coming off an incredible high, watching Michael Fassbender (my newest celeb crush) in Shame at the movie theatres and a couple other movies on Netflix and dreaming about him - I felt so much conviction about so many things..that is until after having drinks with a certain DT and his buddy.

Men, in general, not my favorite group of people - but I get that they are a necessary evil, couldn't exist without them, blah. blah. blah. I get it! A - no one has ever "not called me back", "followed up", "wanted another date" - Whatever...I am not undesireable - but that's what DT does and WTF?? I am just so sick and tired of bullshit! This does not happen to me!! Then to be "squeezed" into drinks with ohis friend and another friend who he's having dinner with - are you serious? I am absolutely livid...no more. I just sent a scathing text :

I don't like meeting another person unless I know they're going to be there? I don't like a lot of things....and I'm not desperate - he's just a pre-occupation until S comes to theonly logical and correct conclusion! "That I'm an illogical and emotional basketcase who should be locked up, for infinity".

That's how I feel like lately - I can't control anything, least of all me! Which could be why I've made an appointment to see a new therapist tomorrow..I am completely out of control, I've  made a complete mess of my life, because...
A - I'm a loser and deserve to be down and out... or
B - the main way I thive is to back myself into a corner until there is no other alternative except success or failure - and I "CANNOT FAIL:, its not an option...

Sometimes I lie in bed and think: the reason I didn't get married young, have lots of kids and settle down - is because I know there's something better out there! Know and feel I was meant to be something more and have something more - and have exactly the charmed existence I have always dreamed of, watched, and read about - and nothing less than that will suffice - and that I will be successful because " I WILL NOT YIELD".