Thursday, November 3, 2011

Pain.......and now calm

So each time my birthday rolls around I like to go deep into my head, clear out the cobwebs and think of it as a time for renewal, rebirth, recommitment. I have caused myself physical and emotional pain since the early summer, at things that I wanted but could not have; relationships that I yearned for but did not come to fruition; feeling I'm far shorter of where I should be at my age and where my friends are.

But then I rewatched a movie and was reminded of a poignant quote - nothing lasts forever my dear, the only thing which matters is family (said by the old Italian woman, in Italian). The other quote, "we all have exactly the life we want". And for the last month I've been thinking about this one and I said - no I don't, I hardly have the life I want. I look at other people and say, no they don't, how could they possibly have wanted that. Then a couple days ago it came to me, actually I do!

I am the owner of what I do, and when I do it. I don't feel like I'm imprisoned, I have total freedom of expression without the judging eye of anyone...only my own judgements. All my life, I've felt so stifled - parents, boyfriends and now no more - I have free reign over me. And when I make mistakes, I'm trying to be more forgiving by saying - its unfortunate that I did that, but it's part of growing up - welcome to adulthood! Some of those mistakes I wish I could undo, and that's what I was beating myself over during the summer...just wallowing in "what could've been (is better than what could never be at all...)" and I really need to think about it that way - at least there was the possiblity of that. So although it did not happen, and that's unfortunate, but at least now I know what is possible!!

This morning, walking on my way home - I took the most calming breath I have in months! It felt so amazing, I almost cried - my eyes watered...I've forgiven myself, I've didn't have any judgments for myself, I felt content with where I was. And although others have progressed much more than I have maybe socially, financially - I have made leaps and bounds in progressing emotionally, today, and I am beyond grateful for that and for coming to a place of such serenity. I carried that with me throughout the work day and I managed to be less stressed all day. 

Thank goodness for November, the month of my birth and rebirth! I hope to dance with you all at Taj lounge next weekend.

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