Friday, June 10, 2011

'We are all out of control".......The drama unfolds, et Al

Another Matrix quote I've borrowed - which feels apropos today.

 By the way, there are 2 quotes I have up on a post it on my wall...
1. He's just not that into you.
2. Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself...

To start - I'm in a support group (very vague, I know, maybe later on I will go into more detail) and it meets 2 days a week in Al's neighborhood. Usually I go only 1x a week but needed to go Thursday as well - because of the Al fiasco Wednesday. This is what happened, I texted him about his parents and if they were ok on Friday didn't hear from him (last night, he swears to me that he replied - I never got a reply). Again on Saturday I text him, didn't finally hear from him until Sunday afternoon - he's working from home and that we should get together sometime during the week. Fine.

Tuesday - regular meeting day, I'm in his neighborhood and text him to let him know, he texts me back aroud 1am - he's finally in his neighborhood but I'm prob not. Duh! I text him at somepoint Wednesday that he was prob out celebrating the win of his beloved Red Sox over yanks - he wasn't. He invites me out for drinks Wed night to watch his beloved Bruins -- and ok, I can watch any sports playoff game. So I'm walking home from work listening to my music, happily bopping along to get ready to see him. He texts me maybe 2 hours later do we mind making it for Thursday instead. Here is where women and men differ - a man, ok whatever onto the next girl on my list. A woman, omg did a better date come through for him, did he decide to hang out with old buddies instead, maybe he's decided to take out his people from work. What could it be? What could it be? And how do I respond? Ususally, I'm a casual whatever - do you...but tired of feeling like the perverbial doormat I reply simply NO. In a very lighthearted way, just leaving it open for dialogue.

I don't hear back from him, but get a semi scathing email - his blackberry light went off but he had just enough time to see my text. And his idea not to meet up reinforces his decision not to meet up as he doesn't want to deal with any negative energy and that's what I'm giving off...I had been doing yoga all week and felt light as a bird, didn't have a negative thought in my body. I email him back - that I didn't mean it all, very apologetic, supportive, thoughtful - I just sensed something was off with that email and I can tell when someone's in a sensitive state.

Didn't hear from him. All night, all during yoga Thursday am, and all during work - I have this anxious energy, can't sleep well, can't hold the postures, can't sit down and focus on my work, I was completely out of control. I had to go to group - (sent him what I thought would be my very last text to him...Last try, I'm your hood til 9)  and I was so anxious to just leave the room, I stayed and it just helped me calm down and I finally broke free from the anxiety. Turned on my cell, he texted me and left a message. I call him back, we decide to meet. We talk, hang out - and I've got to realize not everything is about me.
I make everything soooo personal that I can't see beyond what I'm going through.

To be fair, he is going through a very rough patch at work and some things happened late Wednesday and he just couldn't deal and needed to be alone. I feel like I haven't been very fair to him - I've only given my very biased perspective of him. Its evident what I'm missing, his Dickensian aspect (from the Wire, means the human element).

His appeal - I believe he is a genuine person without a hidden agenda or bad motive. I always try and see what's in someone's heart, their true intentions and most times it is clear as day. Yes, he had an ailing girlfriend - he told me as much not quite from the very beginning, but close to it and I continued to pursue him because I felt that obviously something was missing from that and I could make him happier (delusional or what, but this is the human/womans way). So, that's been my futile mission over the last few months. He is thoughtful, has this brilliant mind - which just sends me, I get lost in hearing him speak about the simplest things or anything. I've never had that reaction to anyone, once you've been stimulated on the physical and mental levels, there's  just no going back to anything less.
Anyhow, last night we end up talking and I really bared my soul about my story and life - and I told him that because of his scathing email I had a really bad day - sleep, yoga, work, group and I can't afford to have whatever we do have a negative impact on me. And since I can't seem to stop it, I need him to stop it. He looks at me and asks "is that what you came hear to tell me" (he never misses a beat) and I said yes. So, I've put the ownness is on him because I'm just not strong enough to do it. I can't, I throw my hands up at the whole thing and anticipate that one day I will look back on this, shake my head and go "what was I thinking" - however, today is not that day!

Oh, I did tell him about the blog and that he's mentioned all over it - he said he'd really like to read it and I should send him the link. Then he asks, is it bad, do you just kill me - something like that? And I said - no I'm fair. But I thought back and cringe, because no I was not fair to him. I couldn't see past my own viewpoints, experiences so I decimated him...and I feel its unfair. It takes 2 to screw up and make a mess of things, and we are both culpable. But in life there is always a villain and a heroine, and since this is my blog - we know which role I play!

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