Monday, June 27, 2011

Back and Rested....

I feel soooo rested from being in Queens this weekend. I stayed over with my best friend and it was just what the doctor ordered. 4 mile runs both mornings, good homecooking, reading and relaxation. I felt so far away from Manhattan.

This coming week, there should be no drama - I feel I've cut that out of my life. Also this week, a more mellow exercise routine - Zumba tonight, yoga tomorrow am then Zumba wednesday night and yoga thurs am. I feel like working out in the am made me hungry during the day and likely to eat more, so trying something new this week.

Then just quietly getting through the short work week and skipping out of town Thursday night or Friday am and having a great 4 day weekend. This coming July 4th weekend will be relaxing also, as I'm going home to Long Island to hang out with my sis, brunch with my girlfriends, maybe brave it and go to a beach - I try and go to the beach at least once a year. Not a huge fan, but we'll see!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I'm taking the weekend off.....

I never realized it but when I'm in Manhattan, even at home, I'm never quite at rest! There's always a million things I think I should be doing, I feel like I need to unplug. So I'm in Queens, enjoying the trees swaying, the birds chirping, seeing the sky and enjoying the calm. I won't be writing until Sunday night or Monday morning!

Next weekend, off to Long Island!

Enjoy the beautiful weather.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Another Friday...

Finished yesterday on a good note. But I woke up today feeling lethargic and unrested, I may need to meditate and quiet my mind before I go to bed.

Aside from some serious procrastination this am, I have my hairstylist appointment at 4:30 and that's all for my day! Looking forward to a great and relaxing weekend! Maybe I should go for that sea salt body scrub I bought a groupn deal for!!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Eatiing........

I'm ashamed to say this but this was what I ate Wednesday:

Bkfst - bacon, egg and cheese on buttered whole wheat toast, home fries (i never eat all of them, thank goodness). Usually after this breakfast I'll have a salad at lunch and yogurt for dinner and stop there. Not that day!!

I brought in 4 cookies I had left, from the pack I bought on sunday. I ate them because I needed a dessert to counter the saltiness of the eggs.

11am ish - went to Oren's, got a medium coffee with half and half, and they had 1 cheese danish left, so it was definitely meant to be mine. and I had that as well. (got to my desk, cut it in half and saved the other half.)

12:15pm ish- had a chobani pomegranate yogurt I brought in, and since the danish was there, took it out and finished it.

2:20pm ish - I decided I do want egg rolls (at my old company the Pres of Sls and some of us would always get chinese food when it was a stressful day) went to the chinese restaurant and got 2, with extra duck sauce and polished them off - 5 minutes top (the delay, when i bit into them they were piping hot...otherwise it would have been 2 minutes.

Had some chocolate covered almonds we have in the office, for accounts to snack on when they come during an off hour like 3 or 4pm. I had some at my desk and decided, why not!

Decided I wanted to do the bikram yoga 1 month challenge, hauled butt to Bed Bath to get turbie twist because I was going to sweat through my hair and would definitely need to wash it. Got them, then got a text from first kiss guy, TT - who I haven't seen since then, by choice. We are supposed to hang out sometime this week but he wanted to know if I was around to hang out within a couple hours. I text back it looks like its about to poor (I know!! I completely confused it with pour and thought as much within a couple seconds after I sent it) - and he said ok. Not sure if he meant ok and? or ok, I understand.

Get home - I'm feeling a little too full to go to Bikram - didn't want to run the risk of nausea, which happened to me during my first time ever. So, decide to nix yoga.

730pm - I think, what to do for dinner. Then I think my good friend goodburger - I get the 1/4 pounder burger, with french fries and onion rings (never had their onion rings before, I was curious as to how good it was and why not order them, I hadn't consumed enough calories for the day yet)! I polish off the fries and have 3 onion rings, it tastes like its made with beer batter and I'm not a fan!

That's like 3000 calories for the day! But I allowed myself to have that bad day and now I feel like I'm back on track, except I do have a hankering for a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and chips - we'll see!

Needless to say, I get my butt out of bed this am, head straight to my power yoga class and sweat out the toxins. This mornings breakfast was an all green juice from the BluePrint cleanse program, some coffee and now a mango and tea. Lunch will be grilled wild salmon and baked yams. Dinner - don't know, we'll see what TT has up his sleeve.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Bad Wednesday....

And it started with Tuesday night. Before group, I couldn't decide whatI wanted to havve for dinner. It seems I can't stop thinking about food, that's how I've chosen to cope with everything - because its seemingly the least harmless. The group meeting I go to is close to Pengang, a malaysian restaurant which used to have several locations within Manhattan (1 of which was across from my dormat NYU, its now just a drunken pub). But they have this amazing roti canai - which is a form of spicy curry served with a fluffy, airy pancake. My good friend Linda and I are both creatures of habit, and once we find something we love it - we can have it for a year, straight. But the only remaining location is on the UWS, near group and a lot of bad temptation. I decide I'm not hungry right then and there.

I take the train downtown, to my 'hood and Igot something delivered to best buy which arrived that day and I needed to pick up. Get in to best buy, they bring out the item and its this huge box - how am I going to carry this. I'm wearing the most long, body hugging, black maxi dress you can imagine...I got it via my company's clothing allowance, and hadn't tried it on - but needed something to wear and threw it on. Needless to say it's meant for someone who's 5'6" and I'm 5'0", what do I do?  Of course, wear the highest platform heels you can imagine. What other thing do I do - walk to group from work in said high platform heels, some 30 plus blocks. So, my feet did hurt a bit, it'll be flipflops for a few days.

Ah, best buy - no way I'm carrying this box...so they say I can take a hand dolly thingy and I do, but leave my license..thank goodness I'm right across the park from best buy. So I dolly my purchase to the apartment. And some guy had the nerve to just ever so lightly touch my arm, because I generally don't like looking people in the eye on the streets, its a little unnerving to catch a stranger's eye and see that they want to devour you, meanwhile you're thinking of you're sweet niece who just graduated and is now part of this trying world. But this is the 3rd time its ever happened, 3 times too many. I look at my arm and scream are you kidding me, don't ever touch me - all without ever looking him in the eye - because if I do that, somehow he's won. Heart rate, blood pressure goes up.

Deposit the item inside, and now I have to cross the park again. Ugh, do I go an alternate route? Hell no, I'm in my killer black, maxi dress, listening to the latest song I'm in love with "Blow" by Keshia - ready to take on the world. I go back the same exact way I came, ha take that. I was not accosted - otherwise Iwould have decked him. I return the dolly, get my license. By this time I'm tired - we're talking miles in 6 inch platforms which should only be worn for a limited amount of time to look really cute in and then be put back on the shelf and admired. So, who has the 2nd best roti canai - Laut, they have a 27 rating in Zagat - so, do it! And they're a block away from me. I inhale it, take a shower and go right to bed.

Did I mention Laut's roti canai is spicy? pretty spicy! They say not to have spicy food before bed - which caused me to have a restless night, to be unable to do my workout in the am, and to focus all day long. So I ate and ate and ate my emotions to oblivion, Then felt a tad more down for not doing said exercise. But I rebounded, I allowed myself a bad diet day and will recover nicely tomorrow...watch!

What to do what to do...

I had a restless night, woke up feeling so tired and lethargic. Managed to put on workout clothes and popped in Insanity. Couldn't get through the first 5 minutes, so stopped the tape and plopped on my couch. Decided to make it a late workout day. Figure I'll have my bacon, egg and cheese - get some energy, plow through my day and workout at night.

Group yesterday was good, I talked about all the messed up relationships I seem to get myself into. I'm upset about it because I felt I was always true to what I believe. But I see that I've been very passive and permissive,that has just got to stop. So I'm going to take a step back, be true to what I believe and who I want to be. So cliche, but life is not a dress rehearsal - passivity will never get me to where I want to be. I have a lot of work to do.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Ok, Internet Dating...

Watching "Single Ladies" on VH1, I like that show - but Stacy Dash gets on my nerves...little goody 2 shoe.

Internet dating is how I prefer to date nowadays, almost exclusively. Why am I divulging? I confessed this to my hairdrstylist the other night and he said I have to blog about it, that a lot of women are hesitant to try it. Well, I'm here to rid you of your hesitation. 2 of the 3 relationships I've been in began via the internet. My good  friend Mary is now married to the man she met on Match.

Aside from dating someone from college/high school or who was in your past somewhere, there's just no way to screen and weed out men as efficiently as you can from interacting with them on the Internet. The down side, you'll never be sure if the person who shows up will match their picture. But I love the anticipation/excitement of walking into a lounge to meet someone for the first time, because it can go so well.

Tell me, where else can you choose 20 or so men, whom you have some attraction for, get to know them within an hour versus the 3 or 4 dates it usually takes, if ever. And get to know their true intention (hit and run or longterm). Without having to do up your hair, nails, waxes (you should get these done anyway), makeup, put on the most impossibly high heals (to elongate and slim down your legs), throw on and squeeze into some tiny dress (thank goodness for Spanx). Honestly, I think people are crazy for expecting to meet someone when they go out.

Talk about pressure and unrealistic expectations. What if he's not the best looking dude, you can't lose face in front of the girls so you automatically shoot him down. Online, you can get to know the person and may find beauty in his words, hopes  dreams, personality. Looks are not everything, but do not misunderstand me, looks are 50% of the deal for me. But I don't get completely hung up on it because there are other elements which enhances someone's beauty.

But before we get there - the most important things to do when you begin (and you will decide to try it, everyone has at one point)

1. Be Specific
   Know what you want and are looking for, go after it. Make no apologies for it, if someone does not fit the bill - don't think you can mold them to be what you want. Part of our beauty and charm, as humans, is that we're all individuals, different. We are attracted to one another because of this - once you begin trying to change someone, you're changing the very thing you liked in the first place.

2. Read Carefully
   A. Imagine you're a book editor and this book will get you that $1 million dollar commission but everything has to be on point. You're looking for clues, those im's/emails/texts are the interview/first date.
   B. If you're an educated woman and want a man who is educated - be sure you're looking at his usage of:  there, their and they're; your and you're; Spelling (I won my school's spelling bee after overcoming a speech impediment - so I'm a stickler). I called a guy out on his spelling and he responded, my keys are sticking -- ok, this can happen to anyone. But when you spell occasional, ocashional - there's an issue. I'm still laughing about that.
  C. If you're seriously looking for a partner - lookout for hints that he's seeing/living with/has babies with someone. Or is only looking for a good time.

3. Never ever have a first meeting in private quarters. Safety first - so this is self explanatory.

4. Just like you're not supposed to go to the supermarket when you're hungry, don't go out and meet someone when you're, to put it delicately, in heat. Because anyone will look great after a few drinks. Have a piece of chocolate - it will help, but just one piece, because you will be squeezing into that tiny dress for this date.

5. Show up - don't be late, smile, laugh, have fun, be a sweetheart. Whether he wants to get into your pants or is looking for a real connection, he has to do all the work you've done your part, you're there.

At this point, let things evolve and unfold however they may. If he's into you, he will hint at a 2nd date. If he doesn't call, email or text - "he's just not that into you" and that's ok, because there are so many more men to get to know online!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Sunday brunch all by myself....Internet Dating

"Poor poor me, no tv! No one to call me on the telephone!" My sisters would get this. Its from a song of a play we were all in together in grade school. I was a dancer, my oldest sister an actor, can't remember what L did - I'll have to ask her. Feels like it never happened, it was so long ago. Except that I love dancing and after doing it at the Gansevoort Park Ave last night, I'm inspired to pursue it more actively than just in Zumba class...keep reading to learn what I end up doing. It's going to be fun.

But instead of ordering in and nursing my hangover in my room, I'm at Friend of a Farmer's in Gramercy having a BloodyMary and eggs benedict. Of  course order the eggs cooked through and they comerunny as hell.I am so hungry, I take 2 bites and tell them its runny and I want it cooked through.

So while I'm out with my hairdstylist last night I tell him I do internet dating. That's how I met 2 of the 3 men I've dated (1 of whom I lived with for 3 years). Its a little taboo and I don't tell many people. I will get into it in the next blog, food just came and I'm starving!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Hmmmmmmmmm........

Woke up this am and didn't feel like popping in Insanity. Instead, I walked the 40 blocks up to Central Park - the most famous park in the world! Where millions of people travel from all over to walk through, I love the park. I start right at the entrance, across from the Plaza and jog the loop - not the full loop, but about 2/3rds of it, my goal is to at least do the hill - what a mental game that is. I'm nowhere near peak shape, so I just do the best that I can. I always feel like a visitor when I'm in the park so I love to look around at all the other runners, walkers - some in great shape, some brand new to exercising and everyone trying to do their best. The park is so full of life and hope - its just the best feeling in the world being on the running path. I forget about the outside world and focus on the path ahead of me, that's my only goal/focus for the time I'm in there.

Afterwards, I walk back the 40 blocks.Pick up a protein, banana shake. The shower is being worked on so I meet up with a friend and take a shower there. We talk and talk, a gal pal treated him to the NBA final game where Dallas schooled Miami and won the championship. I wish I had friends like that, just kidding! We talk about the girl who treated him to the game, she and I share a very similar story. How bizarre 2 complete strangers can share so much common ground. That's what I love most in learning about people, I and I'm sure we all tend to feel so alone and isolated in what we feel - the reality is when you start to reach out, you end up finding similarities in everyone's story. I think it's the most beautiful thing in the world.

Best way to follow that up - with a great lunch, then a much needed manicure and pedicure (haven't had 1 in a year plus). And got a 10 minute back massage which was much needed and well worth the additional $10. I feel like I need to be better and  more regular in my grooming. Make some time to take care of me! Now, just resting up before my hairdstylist and I go out for a night on the town.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Happy Friday!!

Who else woke up to thunder and lightening at about 5am today? I had to put my fingers to my ears it was so loud. Thank goodness I was able to still get some rest after that. Hopped out of bed at 7:07 realized I had promised my good friend B that I'd keep the momentum and workout, put on my best outfit and smile and know how blessed I am with all that I have, not to worry about what I don't have at the moment, as it will come in due time.

So, had to pop in Insanity Pure Cardio. Half way through the beginning routine, I thought - I am just too tired and not feeling it. Put the tape on Pause, went to get some cold water. And unpaused and tore through the routine. I have no idea what I did the first time I put the tape in a while back, but it was brutal - he even says at the end, when we're stretching "sometimes I wonder why I went into the phyysical fitness field" and he answers in a high pitched voice "because I want to have a nice body" - cracks me up, the things we do for vanity.

Managed to shower, get clothes on, get out to the subway - pick up my bacon, egg and cheese, make it into work. And now having my much needed coffee - endorphins alone are not enough to get me through the day! I think I'm going to start having coffee again, I just have not been able to get my energy level up to get through the day strong. I've been feeling so week and depleted. But yesterday at the doctor's I'm getting full bloodwork done, so I'll know if anything's amiss.

Tomorrow, definitely running in CP in the am - that's the quickest way for me to get in shape...I know this, my body knows this - it was only a matter of time before I return to my original love, running!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Scale Does Not Lie...

132, that's the number I saw on the scale and the nurse noted on my file today at my doctor's appointment! Last year, I was 125 - 7 whole pounds in 1 year. Also last year, I was fresh off my breakup - went running the morning before my appointment and hadn't eaten anything. But I had been working out and eating healthily as I pondered my fate back into Single status! This year, fresh off relationship saga's and just a bit dejected, trying to get myself back into the game of life!

I love my doctor, she has a little girl 19 month old and is carrying a 2nd child, a boy. She's very pretty, this time I looked into her eyes which were heavily lined, mine are usually moderately lined (for that exotic cleopatra look) and it achieved the objective. Her dark brown eyes appeared lighter and she was glowing. We talked, she did her thing and I did mine - cringing and deep breathing but I got through it. Beforehand I had fresh pressed - carrot, apple, cucmber and ginger juice. Jax cheeze puffs from the market and had to stop by Ess A Bagel (one of NYC's best bagels) because its right across from her.

Woke up this am and Insanity cardio recovery is the workout on schedule, thank goodness bc I didn't have a dinner and woke up devoid of energy. I think I'm having too many carbs and not enough protein in my diet which is causing the weight gain---I will change it starting today. Sorry body! Other than a funky mood because of the 5lb weight gain - I'm alright...I will beat this!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I can hardly feel my lower back....

2nd day back on Insanity really hurts! I exercise in front of the mirror, so I can admire my body/critique my form...not so today. Couldn't avoid looking at all the jiggle, I am not a happy camper. So I'm focusing extra hard on firming up!

I knew today was going to be a late day - because my phone alarm went off and I decided I'll take a little more time to get up. Then looked at the phone and it was 7:15, got out of my apt at 8:40, got to my doctor's appointment 9:15, couldn't find my insurance card - called my co worked for the iinsurance co name, as I had forgotten - but I had my info on a post it...thank goodness. Finally left the doctor's office at 10:50, thought about jumping on a subway, but it was only a 17 block walk - so I walked down 5th ave, thru Rockefeller Center (how many people get to do that) on this beautiful Wednesday. And I remembered what my good friend B told me and smiled a lot as I walked and thought about the beautiful day, that I'm alive and kicking and I was truly greatful for that. Thank  you B!

Got to work at 11, inhaled Special K and added blueberries, with soy milk - feeling energized and ready to face whatever today brings.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Back to Insanity.....

Tough waking up and popping that tape in for the first time in a while, but I feel great, it was tough but I battled through. My good friend B told me that I was allowed my 2 pity days, Sunday and ysterday, today I needed to wake up, pop a tape in or go to yoga, put on my best outfit and get my head back into the game....Onto my shower and then deciding what to wear? I think I have the perfect outfit!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Crazy in Love....

"Got me looking so crazy in love, looking so crazy, your love's got me looking got me looking so crazy in love"

This was the theme of the next chapter of my story with Frank! Ahhhhh - this is going to be tough! SO, I'm goin gto keep this brief.

In our dailylives, we always have to sensor ourselves, you wouldn't tell the crazy man who's walking towards you with a wild look in his eyes, cursing out loud to himself on the streets of nyc (this happened to me today as I was walking home, by the way) dude - you're crazy, let me get you to Bellevue! In the same context, you shouldn't say everything to everyone as you're thinking it. Because we think it then step back and ponder on it, then come to understand it. As 2 kids in our 20's we hadn't quite developed the stepping back and coming to understand part of the deal.

We were fierce, stubborn, passionate, unyielding, incapable of seeing anything past the now/immediate, young, stupid, eager, blind. He met my family and I met most of his family, I'm sure neither were thrilled. We were from 2 vastly different cultures - we thought love would conquer all, but it didn't and never does (a conclusion I have only recently come to). But, we hung in there for 4 long years. We just wore each other down...the relationship ended. I was devastated, I had put all of me - everything I was and felt into the pot. I felt like I failed, the first time ever. First of a few failures!

I couldn't get over it for some time. I was so angry, I can still feel it. It was a painful and scary time. With the help of my cousin I coped. We broke up in August/September - by May of the next year he told me he was engaged. Now, all sorts of ideas were flowing around my head, an influx of accusations came to my mind. I was livid, hurt - talk about a sucker punch to the gut (why did I decide to write a blog, oh yeah catharsis, therapy, closure - all that good stuff).

So, he was supposed to get married that September, I believe - but they did not, the engagement was called off, that's all I know. I believe that summer is when I first bumped into AL. But, Frank and I have buried the past and are on amicable terms.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Let's talk about Ex -

So, I've been in this similar situation before. My first ex, Frank, was the be all end all. It was my first time being in love, and it was "crazy" in love - or I was. How do you handle such a strong emotion when you've never encountered it before, not well believe me.

One day while I was living in Manhattan, near NYU I decided to go for a run on the West Side boardwalk. I ran from about Houston to Battery Park, its during a work day so its mostly empty. A guy on skates coming towards the opposite direction smiles and says hello. I say hello back, maybe I didn't have my headphones that day or maybe he just had this sweet, cherubic face and good demeanor/aura about him. I get to the end of the path and turn around to run back home. He passes me again but this time stops me and introduces himself as Shaun. He talks to me about my exercise routine and what is my goal, have I ever thought of a personal trainer, I don't even think I knew what that was, I was so green at the time.

We end up going to the gym where he's a trainer, its a purely personal training gym. He takes me on a tour, we talk about my goals and he can help me get there, he suggests I come back in a couple days and the first session is complimentary. Ok, I think, So I walk home, think it over and decide to do the free trial - see him again in ca couple of days and sign up. Shaun and I develop this great bond while he trained me, we would get involved in these deep conversations....at the tender age of 20 or 21, I didn't know who I was. Just a small girl from Long Island, now on the huge Island of Manhattan. I didn't have much confidence - it was rough. He gave me this book, total self confidence, I look to the left of my bed and its right on my lampstand - I've been feeling a little lacking lately.

So while Shaun trained me he had introduced me to another trainer, Frank, that first meeting he gave me a look I can't describe it, maybe a look of curiosity. Well, Shaun has a falling out witht he gym owner, there was some shadiness about not getting paid on time, etc. But that meant I had no trainer.so I asked Frank if he'd train me, he was the only 1 I knew. At some point during all this, I decide to move back hom to Long Island.

So, Frank and I begin training together and its fine, we talk, purely working out and thats it. The gym moves to another location, Chelsea. Maybe it was the atmosphere or something, but his touch starts to change. When he's stretching me, holds my waist in place to isolate my glute muscles and work them harder. Everything changed, and most people take this for granted, the biggest sex organ is the skin (yes, its the brain/mind too) - but its easier to caress skin than the brain, no?. And he was all over my skin, every time we worked out. So, the chemistry and circumstances caused our relationship to evolve beyond trainer/trainee.

We started flirting, talking on the phone for hours on end (I remember sleeping only a few hours most nights bc we talked well into the next morning). At first, I thought his voice was so Brooklyn (rough, unrefined, semi-italian wannabe mafia), very true to the borough - words like "A.O" and "figettaboudit", not those specific words but similar ones, came to life. My love of prim and proper english gave way to loving the melody contained in that distinct Brooklyn accent.

Conversation is very powerful, once you enjoy someone's speech and their ideas - its over because words are so powerful, I mean so powerful. Getting to know one another was truly exciting, unearthing our love of fasion and style, we're both very visual and specific as to dress - Wasn't too long before we decide to go forward and begin a relationship. Oh, they were such innocent times  - filled with unbridled passionate ideas, ideals.

We fell in love, we had found our passionate counterparts in one another. I didn't censor myself at all, I just felt so free with every raw emotion that I could share everything and anything I was feeling! I went with my emotions wherever they took me, I didn't censor myself (hey, I was a young girl, this was my first time in love, gimme a break). It was amazing, I've never felt so free before. But, such a thing was not meant to last. (Matrix 2 quote).

This story is too long for 1 entry. I shall finish it sometime today, but I need to go for my run in Central Park. Note - I skipped running in CP, sorry, this brought up old emotions and I had an indulging day!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

It's good to be back....

We all have our lot in life to bear and its no fun belaboring it and beating a dead horse. It was hard writing my previous blog so I'm sure it was tough reading it. But I felt I needed to tell that story, just didn't like my delivery of it! But, no apologies!

Anyhow, had a great time with my friend Lisa, Friday night. We went to 230 5th Ave Rooftop - I got there about 5:30, had a drink at the bar, surveyed the lay of the land - not too crowded and some male eye candy. But so not interested, to whip out the old ok magazine and start reading the latest gossip. I'm not sure what is considered reporting nowadays but these fluff magazines are just not making the grade. I really think celeb culture has gone down the toilet.

And poor Wiener - I really did believe him when he first denied the allegations and said his account was hacked into...he should have stuck to that story. In acting the first rule and most important rule, commit fully. Once he started denying, he should have stuck with it because there would always be a group of people willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, like me! I don't get it, what is the gratification with sexting? What? Get out all the perverted thoughts in a journal or something. Not like you're going to act on them. And his regal looking pregnant wife, what a cluster f&%*. But best of luck to him in that situation - future NYC mayor, not likely - though we are a forgiving bunch.

Back to Lisa, we went to South Beach together for New Year's Eve, stayed at the fountainbleau. We go to a party at a different hotel for the big party and countdown. Lisa, meets a guy and they've been in a 6 month courtship and going strong...I mean what are the chances of that? But she really deserves it, one of the sweetest and inspiring girls I know. We are very similar and every time I hang out with her, I'm left inspired to "continuez a lutter la bonne luttre", keep fighting the good fight.

I texted Al yesterday, hoping he had a better day blah blah blah, in essence he said he'd respect and help me with my request not to engage with him anymore, like we were in battle! Actually, that's how it felt to ever get to spend time together. But it's done with and I'm free. There were 4 people whose opinion I was afraid, I need to get back to my promise when the clock struck 12am on 1.1.11, to live my life with no fear. So now its 1 less person i'm afraid of and invited him to the blog and into my blog, welcome! 3 to go...my 2 sisters, and my rock/constant supporter/conscious/the best person I know - and yet I have a feeling he's already here, always has been and always will be!

Thanks to Lisa, I feel rejuvenated, reinvigorated to take back control of my life, and can focus on  plotting and planning my next moves - because I have to get out of the rat race and there's a lit of work to be done. Insert Oasis song: Hello! Hello! It's good to be back, good to be back.

Saturday, today - a lot of grooming. Yoga at 8:45am, hair salon at 11:30am, facial at 2:45pm - and I've been breaking out lately, she's going to reprimand me for not taking better care of my skin then proceed to inflict the most pain I have ever felt in my life, I mean my sessions with her are intense. She's so thorough and anal about doing the best possible job, bananas! I love people like that, that's how I am!

Friday, June 10, 2011

'We are all out of control".......The drama unfolds, et Al

Another Matrix quote I've borrowed - which feels apropos today.

 By the way, there are 2 quotes I have up on a post it on my wall...
1. He's just not that into you.
2. Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself...

To start - I'm in a support group (very vague, I know, maybe later on I will go into more detail) and it meets 2 days a week in Al's neighborhood. Usually I go only 1x a week but needed to go Thursday as well - because of the Al fiasco Wednesday. This is what happened, I texted him about his parents and if they were ok on Friday didn't hear from him (last night, he swears to me that he replied - I never got a reply). Again on Saturday I text him, didn't finally hear from him until Sunday afternoon - he's working from home and that we should get together sometime during the week. Fine.

Tuesday - regular meeting day, I'm in his neighborhood and text him to let him know, he texts me back aroud 1am - he's finally in his neighborhood but I'm prob not. Duh! I text him at somepoint Wednesday that he was prob out celebrating the win of his beloved Red Sox over yanks - he wasn't. He invites me out for drinks Wed night to watch his beloved Bruins -- and ok, I can watch any sports playoff game. So I'm walking home from work listening to my music, happily bopping along to get ready to see him. He texts me maybe 2 hours later do we mind making it for Thursday instead. Here is where women and men differ - a man, ok whatever onto the next girl on my list. A woman, omg did a better date come through for him, did he decide to hang out with old buddies instead, maybe he's decided to take out his people from work. What could it be? What could it be? And how do I respond? Ususally, I'm a casual whatever - do you...but tired of feeling like the perverbial doormat I reply simply NO. In a very lighthearted way, just leaving it open for dialogue.

I don't hear back from him, but get a semi scathing email - his blackberry light went off but he had just enough time to see my text. And his idea not to meet up reinforces his decision not to meet up as he doesn't want to deal with any negative energy and that's what I'm giving off...I had been doing yoga all week and felt light as a bird, didn't have a negative thought in my body. I email him back - that I didn't mean it all, very apologetic, supportive, thoughtful - I just sensed something was off with that email and I can tell when someone's in a sensitive state.

Didn't hear from him. All night, all during yoga Thursday am, and all during work - I have this anxious energy, can't sleep well, can't hold the postures, can't sit down and focus on my work, I was completely out of control. I had to go to group - (sent him what I thought would be my very last text to him...Last try, I'm your hood til 9)  and I was so anxious to just leave the room, I stayed and it just helped me calm down and I finally broke free from the anxiety. Turned on my cell, he texted me and left a message. I call him back, we decide to meet. We talk, hang out - and I've got to realize not everything is about me.
I make everything soooo personal that I can't see beyond what I'm going through.

To be fair, he is going through a very rough patch at work and some things happened late Wednesday and he just couldn't deal and needed to be alone. I feel like I haven't been very fair to him - I've only given my very biased perspective of him. Its evident what I'm missing, his Dickensian aspect (from the Wire, means the human element).

His appeal - I believe he is a genuine person without a hidden agenda or bad motive. I always try and see what's in someone's heart, their true intentions and most times it is clear as day. Yes, he had an ailing girlfriend - he told me as much not quite from the very beginning, but close to it and I continued to pursue him because I felt that obviously something was missing from that and I could make him happier (delusional or what, but this is the human/womans way). So, that's been my futile mission over the last few months. He is thoughtful, has this brilliant mind - which just sends me, I get lost in hearing him speak about the simplest things or anything. I've never had that reaction to anyone, once you've been stimulated on the physical and mental levels, there's  just no going back to anything less.
Anyhow, last night we end up talking and I really bared my soul about my story and life - and I told him that because of his scathing email I had a really bad day - sleep, yoga, work, group and I can't afford to have whatever we do have a negative impact on me. And since I can't seem to stop it, I need him to stop it. He looks at me and asks "is that what you came hear to tell me" (he never misses a beat) and I said yes. So, I've put the ownness is on him because I'm just not strong enough to do it. I can't, I throw my hands up at the whole thing and anticipate that one day I will look back on this, shake my head and go "what was I thinking" - however, today is not that day!

Oh, I did tell him about the blog and that he's mentioned all over it - he said he'd really like to read it and I should send him the link. Then he asks, is it bad, do you just kill me - something like that? And I said - no I'm fair. But I thought back and cringe, because no I was not fair to him. I couldn't see past my own viewpoints, experiences so I decimated him...and I feel its unfair. It takes 2 to screw up and make a mess of things, and we are both culpable. But in life there is always a villain and a heroine, and since this is my blog - we know which role I play!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm not his lobster...it's finally sunken in

Hmmm, facing reality is never very easy. So I'm a bit wishy washy, I go back and forth on some decisions I make - never sure they were correct in the first place, I tend to go back on them and do what I said I would not do, convinced that all of the 3 days I tried something and felt/decided it isn't working, was enough. (Tough sentence, I'm sorry). I went to yoga this morning and feel so alive and open, on air from it - I feel like I can conquer anything or anyone, even someone who does not want me to conquer them.

No matter how much I try and push, he's really just not that into me! I'm not his lobster! Whatever catchy phrase you know of which translates into a guy not wanting a girl - insert it here and that's what applies to me. Acceptance/Admittance is the first step in overcoming anything. But, with all my heart - it hurts! This is me entering into a depression to get over it, that's how I cope.

Oh, just more Al drama. I just can't unravel myself from his grip. But I believe I finally have. I'm going to work very diligently to free myself from this awful cycle, that's my promise to myself this year. I'm deeply ashamed of my inability to do so thus far, and started this blog as a way to hold myself accountable, on a more public forum. I always thought myself so cool, calm, collected - able to overcome any obstacle, and now I'm unable to nip this in the bud. Well, I wll - I will look back on this and smile a little smile and think about how foolish I was.

But I forgive myself for indulging in this for so long. I choose to move forward from it now.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The big 5-0 - thank y'all!

Is it corny to celebrate each milestone number of public followers I get? I'm not sure - as long as I pay hommage to it in a fun way! But, can't think of anything fun except maybe divulging secrets about myself - that's scary, because there are a ton. No, we won't go the secret route.

So, I spilled my soul in group sessions I attend. I talked about my fear, that's been stifling me for a couple of months. And its funny because my motto for 2011 is "Have no Fear" attack everything head on and do not fear the outcome. I feel I never get my point across and back down a lot because I'm afraid what people will think, their reactions and most importantly their rejection. But I'm tapping back into my brash, open self - I am who I am and there's no need for me to hide it - so I'm embracing my motto again - No Fear, baby! Even if you don't love me, I love me and at the end of the day I'm all I've got -- thanks for that bit of wisdom MM, I'll never forget when you wrote that to me!

The Waiting Game....

So, I'm the most impatient person in the world - I'd rather sabotage something just to have an answer instead of wait and have it eat away/torment me the whole day. But patience is a virtue and I really want this, so I'm going to yoga to send out some positive vibes fo myself and temper my impatience.

I'm also starting a food journal today, my spending has gotten a little out of control as well as my caloric intake - if I can start learning to control those 2 things, it'd be a huge start and will extend to other areas of my life.

When I was sick I was forced to be still, alone with myself and my thoughts. I felt like I was wasting time - like I shouldn've been out there circulating. But it brought me back to realizing that I cherish those quiet times, my mind is at ease, I'm not overdoing myself. But that was forced, so now I need to cultivate that.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Promise of a New Week...

Turns out yesterday at the yoga, the girl who's apartment I went to see was there? She wasn't sure it was me and vice versa. But a bit afterwards I emailed her and we met for coffee and talked for almost 2 hours...I just wanted her to know my story and know more about her - I feel like people just rush in to becoming roommates, so this was a more responsible way of doing it. She says she's narrowed it down to 2 and I'm one of them - nerve racking!

I've been in this position before, when I interviewed for Louis Vuitton - when I went back, a month later, I asked how is the process going? And she said I've narrowed it down to 2. And then I got it!! So, today and the week bings a lot of promise. I've also been in this position for an apartment and it didn't come through, so trust me I'm not counting any eggs until they hatch.

Issue 2, al finally texted me yesterday after I texted him - where r u? He said, let's get together sometime during the week. Don't shake your head and think, uh oh, trouble. I'm the type I need closure, I cannot have thingsup in the air - even if it fairs badly - I don't care, it just has to be done with. So, instead of my going on facebook and driving myself nuts wondering if he's engaged to the girl who has the pic of him and her together, I'm going to ask him and get it from the horses mouth. I'm going to tell him that being number 2 isn't my lot in life, I deserve and am moving on from this unhealthy, destructive course that I find myself on with him, that I wish him the best but I'm losing his number and he should do the same - and if he doesn't I will change my number.

It's really going to be a day of reckoning...the 3 days of yoga has set in, I see everything with clarity, certainty and the assurance that this is the right step for me. Living in the past and what could have been is preventing me from moving on - which is what I need to do.

I skipped yoga today, I'm a bit tired and can't fatigue myself, so no workout today - maybe some core work when I get home. I need to get my abs back into shape - so I'll start up the 50 situps each night routine.

Can't wait for the week to unfold as I'm sending out as much positive enrgy as I can muster!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Nothing better than Yoga baby....

So, yoga has been my life the last 3 days. Trying to get my body and mind aligned, it has been so challenging. Today I did let go and felt an outer body experience during one of the poses, I believe devotional warrior - but then my mind started to wander again and I lost it. I can't even control my thoughts - I feel like I'm completely out of control and touch with reality, unable to trust anything I'm doing - that's a really scary place.

The reason I went to yoga - I saw a share I really liked yesterday and it turns out we go to the same yoga studio. So she said she does the sign in on Sunday am's and that she'd be there today, But she wasn't, neither was the usual instructor. But I got a great workout and now I'm watching the tennis match and federer battle back. I love the underdog, but I think calling him an underdog is unwarranted. They were just saying he's the best player of all time - so I always root for Nadal. But Federer was down 2 games and came back to win 1 and now Nadal serves for the championship....guess Federer isn't all that great if he's been beat by Nadal 17 times.

But my point is I love the underdog, because that's how I always feel - like the little scrappy girl always battling everything - my own judgements, false resonings, false logic, what I feel are the shackles society has placed on me and every single prejudice placed upon "sisters". Trust me, its an exhausting battle! When I get knocked down, I have to pick myself up by the bootstraps and forge ahead. I can't let it keep me down and that's what Federer was trying to do, find whatever it took, deep down from his gut and fight back one point at a time - alas he'll be taken over and we all will, in death. But while we are here, it is the battling which determines our character and person. I wonder what I will think when I reach my ultimate goal, will I relish in how the battle was fought, all the strategies or will I just succumb and say I'm never going to think about that and go through it again!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Presentation Day FInally....that was it?

Ha, my presentation went really well - finally, its over with. I have been agonizing and truly believe I made myself sick worrying about this. I procrastinated a bunch, followed my instinct and it worked out...phew. Now I can breathe a sigh of relief. It's only 1:24pm on Friday and I've already checked out. Summer Fridays start everywhere and some of the other companies are letting their employees out at 1pm or 2pm (provided they finish all their work)...my company, we don't leave until 4pm. Why? Because headquarters are in Ca and with the 3 hour time delay, if they're able to leave at 1pm but will need information from us, we have to be here until 4pm to provide it to them. Unfair doesn't even begin to describe that. But, whatever - I won't turn my nose up at 2 of hours free time from work, because the unemployment rate went back to 9.1% in May, so I'm thrilled to be here - smiley face, wearing my heels, sitting up in my chair - like the happiest worker on earth, until my next evolution. Most of you know what that is and those who don't, stay tuned for future blogs.

Today, my first day doing any kind of physical exercise - except for walking, I walk home from work everyday - its about 30 minutes, great exercise, great weather, people watch - why not do it! I rolled out of bed at 6:20 and dragged myself to yoga. My hair was wrapped (I had lost my pink headscarf and needed another immediately - so went to the Duane Reade on Broadway, I said selff, do you really expect to find anything ethnic in here besides the cashiers - ouch! Then I went to the CVS on park, lo and behold - they had the actual "du rag" and thath's what I've been sporting since.) So this am, I exit my building - "du rag" intact, with my workout shorts, a tank with built in sports bra, and flip flops, with a light jacket over- because everything is snug. The yoga studio is litterally 20 feet from my door - somehow this guy across the strees, in front of the bodega (for dramatic purposes) at 6:30am starts whistling and calling at me. Another man who's walking towards me says "you're husband is a lucky man"! Ugh, if only you knew, I said to myself. Continued to walk with my head down and got into yoga.

Tough class today, for the 2nd time in a month, one of the co-owners was there again, she's originally from Mass. The last time she said they were taching and speaking at the UN, but this time I'm assuming she came because the classes in Massachussets are canceled due to the hurricane? I wanted to ask her and give her my sympathies, but she stayed after and was still practicing. I know I prefer not to be interrupted when I'm practicing so I extended the same courtesy and sent that vibration to her instead. I always feel at home there - I'm not sure what it is, I just can't practice anywhere else. I also desperately want to do the teacher training, but I've only been regularly practising since September - I feel I need to be a student at least a year and then I'll have something valuable to pass on? No, I feel like I"m such a mess in various aspects of my life that I need to work and correct them before I can function on the level I believe an aspiring yoga teacher should. But again, that's my own silliness - for some being a yoga instructor is a job, and their personal life is apart from it. Not for me, though - so I'll hold off for a little bit.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Ugh Defeat....

Ok, I suck - I admit it! Al's parents live somewhere that the natural disasters occurred and I texted him that I hope they're ok....I know, I know I said I'm over him and would be cutting him out of my life. I am, on my own terms! Not on anyone else's i.e. my own judgemental terms.

Uh, definitely going to power yoga at 6:45 tomorrow morning and start my day off on the right foot. I'm feeling much better - 95%, yoga will get me to that 100% - I just know it. Then running in Central Park Saturday morning, I'm sooo out of shape! Not sure I'll be able to make it up a hill - maybe I will do a milder workout with Urban Rebounding and some weights....yeah, I think I'll save the park for next weekend! But its my diet that I really need to change, I've been eating everything in sight and my butt, has been absorbing it all - this weekend I start the turnaround. And a food diary - the biggest expenditure when you live in the city, food. Because on my way home I pass a zillion restaurants  the organic hummus place, the grilled burger place - with awesome fries, the supermarket that has the Jax baked cheese puffs I like, not to mention Wendy's, the place with the awesome margherita slices, Big Daddy's which has awesome 2 hot dog and french fries dish, the italian place with awesome truffle fries and lobster mac and cheese, I could backtrack uptown a bit (which I've done before) and got the best lamb spare ribs....Do I really need to go on, because I can - ugh, how horrible. Maybe food is the greatest love of my life....ohhhh!

Oh, still haven't reviewed my project with my boss, but we put it on the schedule to do it first thing tomorrow morning. Since she's in Ca - I get 3 hours, 2.5 to fine tun and finish some things.

Who Doesn't Love a Short Work Week...

I know I certainly do! I'm feeling much better, just have a slight cough left, so I'll listen to my ex and not go to yoga tomorrow.

Raul - I tell you, he really is just controlling, well that's how I see it. I'll be fair and not go into it so badly. He's mid 30's, very strong, independent, smart, good looking, opinionated as hell and stubborn, the last 2 make for a disastrous mix. But he's accomplished a lot and he's helped me out a ton - and he knows me like no one else, after 3 years of living together - I sure hope so! Instead of being involved, we're just friends....really, truly - do not read into anything more into this or smirk and say mmm hmm! That used to be me when someone would say that about themselves and their ex, but no longer - I'm a believer. After you live with someone for years, how do you just cut them out from your life. Now, I understand there are circumstances where you just do..I tried to, because that's how I handle breakups, in general. But it didn't work, I missed him a lot. There's a tremendous amount of love there, but its not the romantic love. Anyway, he's a rock solid person, the anti Al.

Didn't get to review my project with my boss, she's just all over the place..maybe today. Oh, and the Italian girl commented on my hair - that she wants to see what the cut looks like - such a nosy body! Can't a girl  Un-weave in peace anymore? What's the world coming to!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Today is the day....

I get proposed to, haaaaaaa, not likely! No, the project at work I was stressing about is going to be reviewed with my boss, so I look forward to her feedback and anticipate it going well.

Ohhhh, so I've been weaveless since Saturday afternoon - and yesterday I wore my hair up so I could avoid the usual "Oh, you cut your hair" then smile and nod and say yes. There is 1 girl who I work closely with, she's Italian, and she said did you get your hair straightened, I said yeah and I cut it, she says oh you have to wear it down tomorrow..I'm like we'll see. Its amazing, I feel smart and serious without it, like a different personality. I feel like it made me look younger and gave me more false confidence. But with my own hair I feel more real, naturally confident, like I have to work on the deeper aspects of myself instead of thinking that the beauty it conveys will automatically cancel out whatever horribleness I'm dishing out...wow, who'd have thought such a small thing could have such a profound impact.

I may let it down today I may not..Since its so hot and sweaty if I let it down it may stick to my neck - which is really just an excuse because our AC indoors is always on full blast, so usually I throw a sweater on. I guess I really just don't want to deal with the "oh you cut your hair" comments - maybe Friday, when/if we get out early!