Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Still Tired...

Maybe not sleeping with the air on this time of year isn't such a great idea, even if I am sick. I feel like I didn't sleep well at all...so tonight I'm taking some Nyquil and plan on being knocked out. Still no Insanity for me, I may not start up again until the weekend, in order to give myself time to get back to 100%, but I do plan on going to yoga tomorrow morning and just taking it very easy - so that I don't get too out of shape. I saw a reflection of my butt as I was walking yesterday and its a bit more wobbly than I remember - I said to myself "Oh no, I am not going down without a fight" so yoga seems like the best place to start. I need to realign mind and body, so that my body can start shedding the stress and the stress weight....I truly believe that's how I put on weight and got sick..Stress really is the silent killer!

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Graduation....PA (cont)

The 2nd part of my trip was to see my niece graduate. She turns 18 today 5.30, one of my best male friends has a bday today, my sister turns 37 tomorrow, and a nephew turned 15 this weekend, and an ex turned 37 Friday - so its birthday bonanza all around!!

But the weekend was bittersweet - here's how. Drama: 1 of my brothers is a complete deadbeat, he's cheated on all his girlfriends, has a nasty mean streak. Again, you know the type - when his gf Ellie got pregnant, he decided to cheat on her. He carried on an affair with, and I apologize for this, one of the most undesireable looking women I have ever seen, but to him, an easy lay is an easy lay! Meanwhile, Ellie gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl, also everyone said she looked like me.

She was the 1st grandchild, and our first niece - needless to say we doted on her. Between my 2 sister's, my mother and myself we took turns being her caregiver. Between while we were at school, switching off when one had afterschool activities, and nights - we once kept her for close to 2 weeks. I remember one night she was crying, I woke up and picked her up, went out to the couch in the living room and laid her on my chest - at which point she went back to sleep. I returned to my room, carfeully so as not to wake her - propped myself up with several pillows and we slept through the entire night that way.

I imagine that when I do have a child, I will have that same love share with my child. See, this was the first time my sisters and I had ever come face to face with unconditional love. In much the same way that you can never explain to a child what death is and they will never understand it until they grow up and lose someone they love. Well that's how we found out what unconditional love is - so powerful, so all encompassing, unbridled.

But, to quote Matrix 2, "such a thing is not meant to last".

Ellie found out about the affair when the other woman became pregnant (ok, no more dirty family laundry for today - I apologize in advance to the fam). Ellie must have felt utterly betrayed and may have thought we knew, meanwhile my sisters and I had no clue - we were wrapped up in our studies, being good students and all that. So she decides to break all ties with him, including his family - us! Needless to say we were heartbroken, had no remedy as, my brother is a deadbeat and would never challenege custody or requested visitation.

So, we swept it under the rug - never talked about it, dropped it and tried to go on with life as usual - but that pain left its indelible mark. My oldest sister - takes to every child like their the last one on the earth and its her personal mission in life to help and save them all. My middle sister, has decided not to have kids. Myself - anger and constantly entering into one wrong relationship, after the next searching for the love I once felt.

I went to the graduation expecting that it we would pick up right where we left off when she was a baby. She would recognize us and fall into our arms and we would have a good, long cry about it. Again, I was wrong - boy I am on a roll! I felt like a stranger, seeing another stranger for the first time. And we were treated as such..I was so angry, I waned to leave and not stay through the lunch reception planned. As I'm walking out her maternal grandmother asks/pleads with us not to leave, to stay through...it would be so rude to leave after that, so we decide to stay. And it didn't turn out all bad, we got to talk to our niece a little more, learn more about her - and it turned out all right in the end. Here's to starting a new chapter with her and making up for lost time.

Happy Day Off to All Us Hardworkers...PA (cont)

What better way to spend the first half of the day watching Sex and the City repeats on E!. Carrie wrote articles, mainly about sex, and got paid for them, nowadays we all write blogs and get our thoughts/obervations out there for free, oh how the times have changed!

I'm still not 100%, my sore is healing - I'll spare you of the gross details! This heat is great for me getting better, I won't have to deal with the AC until tomorrow, if I'm lucky.

So back to my adventures in PA - I got to wash my face with a secret wash...Ashanti, one of my oldest friends and former college roommate, is writing a book about skin care and she let me try one of her secrets. The next morning my face felt sooo smooth. Then when I got back home I expected to see a ton of dirt on my cosmetic pad when I put toner on and I didn't, no dirt at all! I was amazed, nor did I break out from it..usually my skin breaks out from anything new. I think I'm a convert. In PA it was so quiet and fresh air, I loved the calm - sometimes I dread the frenetic pace of Manhattan, we're always in a rush, never get to absorb anything and never really get to know ourselves. 

Ashanti and I talked about me setting my sights low and seeing a man while he's involved, ugh - how low can I go. I deserve and am worth being number 1 on someone's list, instead of number 2, 3, 4 or 5 - Ladies, we all deserve better than this! I feel like I'm out of control and just keep spiraling with no clue of where I'm going. I need to plan and execute better.

Happy Day off to everyone - I'm heading to brunch...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

WHat a hectic Saturday, but I want to move to PA.....

This was my Saturday...wake up at 6:45am, pack my bags because I was heading to PA to spend time with my fav former college roomie Saturday night and then go to my niece's high school graduation an hour away Sunday at 9:30am. Pack my bags, put things together then realize I wanted to get to the hairdresser early because, I decided "not to weave" or to unweave...so, yes folks you'll notice me on the streets of NYC as one of the few ethnic ladies, wearing their own hair! How sad that some people are taking bets on how long it will last..oh yee of little faith...MS.

I digress.. so, I haul butt out of my apt, decide to skip the call of coffee and a rasin danish at Taralluci e Vino, I turn left to Cap 1 instead - get some money.  Walk to the subway, go down the stairs and pull out my metrocard and usually my cell is in that pouch, but its not there - so I remember I didn't take it. Walk all the way back to the apt, by this time I'm sweating - bc its so hot out. Get up to the apt and couldn't find the phone, then finally found it on the floor attached to the charger. Then remembered I didn't take my zipcard to access the car I'm renting - so I spend the next 45 minutes looking everywhere...call their cust svce..she says our office is opened Mon to Fri is there anyone you can borrow a card from, I said no, she asks if she should cancel. I say I'll call back. Then I check the one place I didn't think it would be, the same place I keep all my receipts and found it as soon as I opened it....SCORE!

Then I'm off to the hair salon, stop and get a spinach quiche first, delicious. I get to the salon, I sit and wait! Of course, a girl who scheduled a wash, decides to ask for a tightening also, and my hairdresser complies - and proceeds to undo her weave, only to redo it - oy vey its going to be a long day..bye bye any chance of getting out early. In the meantime we all talk, eat, gossip..you know, girl stuff - but I don't know the circle of clients so I have no gossip for the group. My hairdresser's assistant is this saucy, Jamaican, fellow Sagitarius - which means complex and moody. The big deal that day and the day before was that it was sweltering heat and the ac didn't work on friday, so they were livid to work in the heat. Then Saturday the owner had a new AC put in but it was only circulating warm air - not blowing in cold air. Then there was also this obnoxious girl there who thought the world revolved around her, you know the type! I really dislike those and have not met/interacted with any of the girls like that who go to the shop, but yesterday I had the misfortune. So, once I identified her as such, I just ignored her...the best way to handle those types is to show them they are irrelevant to your well being, because they are.

Finally, she started on m hair  about 3pm, didn't get done til 630ish - hauled butt to the zipcar, picked it up and started my drive to PA. Of course, the longest/arduous task, getting to the Holland Tunnel in Tribeca, through Soho. An hour of congested hell...but I get through it and I had my directions, printed out - via mapquest, I'm old school. I'm on I-78, thought I had gotten lost so got off and asked for directions, they were wrong - of course...then turned back and wasted an hour meanwhile i was going the right way. Finally got to my destination late, we ate, we drank, we chatted - I really needed her guidance and 2 cents, because mine just were not working. She chewed me out, but good on allowing myself to be anyone's 2nd choice. She suggested that I take time off from men, and go inside myself - discover myself and focus on me. I've wanted to take a sabbatical for a while, since I saw Eat, Pray, Love - so now I believe I will. No men, romantically for - I'll start with a month...this is going to be interesting....

Friday, May 27, 2011

Very SIngle in NYC....

Still feeling a little sick, my ears and nose are out of wack..heaading to bed soon but wanted to share a few thoughts. To look into the eyes of a person who truly loves and cares for you, who wants the absolute best for you without a hidden agenda is like looking into the mirror and seeing the reflection of what should be in the depths of your soul.

I hung out with my ex and this is how he looks at me. We hug, we talk, we watch tv, we eat, I walk on his back, we tease each other. There's so much ease to be around one another, I guess 3 years will do that to you. So each time I'm left wondering what went wrong? Then I remembered the constant fighting, the times spent trying to do everything perfectly so that there would be no fighting, feeling like a failure all the time, wanting to crawl into a corner and just dissolve into nothingness.

2 very different sides of the same coin!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Why do people Stare?

Why when you have the most garrish, huge eyesore is the time when its the most beautiful weather and everyone has to check out everyone else on the streets and that means checking out your eyesore! WIth the help of scalding hot black tea bags directly on my cold sore it went from yellow and puffy, this morning, to brownish and unpuffy - I'm beginning to regain control of my face. But for someone who's semi lactose intolerant - intaking lots of skim milk, yogurt, eggs, whey protein drinks, calcium pills, acidophilus pills, vitamin B - my body is about to go into serious lactose rejection..but I'll deal with that when I get to it. My boss leaves tomorrow and it hasn't been stressful, I don't know why I always feel on edge when she comes, it's actually a calming influence - I guess I'm always expecting the other shoe to drop, but it never does.

My throat is sore, I'm weak, my ears are popping - its like I have a full on flu without all the congestion. It's terrible, but I haven't been exercising, eating all the right foods...I hope to be back in action soon. But right now I'm tired and going to call it a night

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

To Weave or Not to Weave...

So, I watched Chris Rock's good hair, and it got me thinking and I've had this thought for a while, what does my weave say about me? Is it the real me or should I go back to my own hair?

For those of you who know weaves, mine is on its last strings - and its either time for  a redo or for it to come out completely. Well this is the week that I make that decision, as I have my hair appointment on Saturday. That night I meet up with my old college friend, and the next day is my niece's graduation. Now how do I want everyone to see me, as a barbie with a flowing weave, or with my regular, possibly shoulder length hair? More than likely I will need to have some of it trimmed from weave damage - all the while the point of the weave was to allow it to grow...see my dilemma, no, well neither do I! I want everyone to see me as a strong woman who will work with what nature has given me, not conforming to what Western society has dictated I aspire to? I go through my periods of this self reflection but I feel I'm finally done with weaves.

What's the big deal, some of you may ask- let me break it down for you....Its $300 just to book her time and to be allowed to have her work her magic for a few hours, then to get the hair, another $200. That's $500, a pair of Louboutins, Manolos, Prada's,  Gucci's, Chanel's...Then there's time, 1.5 hours to get the hair, another half hour traveling to the hairdresser, another 4 to 5 hours in her chair getting it done...that's money and time I will never get back. And for what, to look like a barbie, long flowing, shiny hair...how about hair like Halle - isn't she gorgeous. She has this short, cropped mane which frames her face and makes her look absoluute stunning. Kanye's ex - Amber Rose, another stunner with a buzz do, or my beautiful friend Larissa - who I ran the marathon with, has a great buzz do and a stunning face, bright eyes...and so many more, but those are the 2 who come to mind. Is it enough for me to aspire to look like these gorgeous ladies, today my answer is yes.

I can't wait to fall off my preachy soap box and have you all make me refer to this post. But for the time being, watch out world - I will never have to worry aobut is a track showing, is the string showing, what direction is the wind blowing my hair in, which way should i have my hair parted that makes me look best (I can part it anyway on any given day - not locked into 1 style for 3 months), not having to constantly carry the wide tooth comb to detangle the hair in the bathroom every few hours, not worry when a man is running his hands through my hair and having to be like "now don't you know you need never run your hands through a woman of color's hair"...granted there are a lot of caucasian celebs who wear weaves, but I'm not worried about them only my hair.

Wednesday am....

The good news - it's Wednesday am and the week is half over. The bad news, my boss is in town (which is why I've been stressing) and the cold sore isn't as bad but its there. I have 4 more days of Valtrex, courtesy of my Doc, thank goodness. I need it  to clearup by Saturday - which is  when I head out to see my old college roommate, Ashanti, in Philly. The stories we have - she has this gorgeous skin, radiant. A natural, effortless beauty. Just shy of 5 feet, married 1 year, and she has been through the ringer also. I can't help thinking its the curse of going to school in the major city, an NYU curse! I'm going to have to poll the girls I know to get to the bottom of that. So, this weekend will be full of fun times, getting reacquainted and being each other's staunch supporters - which we are.

Then, Sunday is my niece's graduation from boarding school and I haven't seen her since she was a baby - long story. My bro had her with his then gf, cheated on her, she took my niece away and I haven't seen her since...she was the love of my life! As if she were my child, I was heartbroken and angry, never fully got over that. I asked her mother what she looks like and she said, look in the mirror, she your spitting image. So, now I look in the mirror and think I'm loooking at my niece, hoping she has lots of joy and success in her life and will never have to endure the trials I've been through.

So, for the remainder of the week, I'm going to keep it low stress and low key - maybe yoga tomorrow morning.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Cold Sores and Lobsters...

Nothing like a few clusters of cold sores to let you know you're overdoing it and need to take it easy. So, no Insanity for me tomorrow - I'll take tomorrow off  and hopefully will be back at it Thursday/Friday.

Back to Al, so we met about 5 years ago and dated for a few months. I met someone else and dated him for a few years. I get out of my relationship and decide to send Al a friendly email. Eventually we meet up and seemingly pick up where we left off. A week later he tells me that he doesn't want to lead me on, blah blah blah, that he has a girlfriend - but she's ailing so they're unable to be intimate. My heart stopped, AL is not the type to call anyone girlfriend - or so I thought. So, he's playing the role of white night/dutiful boyfriend but having his fun on the side...how did I fall for such a prize - loneliness over the end of my relationship? That feeling of desperation? Needless to say I keep seeing him, again the worst few months of my life...I've never felt so ashamed of myself. I just avoided asking questions and prayed and hoped he would come to see that I was his lobster (hahaha, oh boy).

I go to an event he's hosting with my wing girl, Lisa. Now, he calls me the night before to inform me that his ailing gf will be there. I ask, do you not want me to go? And I said I'm bringing my girlfriend, who's into the topic and I am not expecting him to fawn over me. So, we go and I purposely avoid looking in their direction - but do bump into him eventually. I never see her face, though. Eventually I google his name and see another name and it just feels like this is the name of his gf. Just today I decide to google her name and this pic comes up, from facebook with her and him...I'm so tempted to ask a friend who lives where she does to friend her and see her status - because for all I know they can be engaged! Honestly, WTF - Fine, it will take me a little to get over it - and I'm upset about that, so now I'm going to be upset for the night. Ugh.

My wing girl said to me, more or less "maybe I'm setting my sights too high". I'm just putting it out there because I always think about that comment...and I know why. Because I have overcome so much to get to where I am, not that its a perfect place by any means - but its a really good place - that I don't believe anything or anyone is beyond me. But now that makes him a challenge that I want to prove to my friend I can overcome...how silly am I?

Sick...

After an hour of sweating every last toxin out of me last night at heated power yoga, I stayed up and did some work until 12am and then went to bed with a tickle in my throat - so I got out of bed and popped in a cough drop. Woke up this morning at 6:50, feeling slightly ill  - 40 minutes of Insanity...I'm feeling very low on energy. Needless to say its a Starbucks coffee (for energy), emergenC, and grapefruit day. I'm still recovering from the weekend, though, and getting rid of all the crap I put in my body. How awful to slip up...

Monday, May 23, 2011

Monday.....

I woke up this am and got back on track with Insanity - this weekend was a weekend of body skimming dresses and let me tell you 1 week of Insanity has really slimmed down my butt and thighs, I'm not in 100% perfect shape for the dresses but then again who ever is. Work today and this week will be brutal, I have to get so much done in a day. I emailed myself some work and will get to it after yoga tonight. I'm going to take the 8:15pm session because I have just been seriously self destructive this weekend and I have had enough of my shennanigans. So, forget Zumba for a bit, I need to get back in touch with the peace and stillness already inside me. Get back to loving myself and thereby loving everyone. To let go of my anger, and embrace the joy/gift of life and reach my full potential.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Hangover....

Started off Saturday hungover and, guess what, that's how my Sunday is starting off. Just finally had some eggs and I'm recovering nicely. This weekend there ended up being so much to do. I'm lucky I do anything at all. I haven't done Insanity today - waiting until the of the day when I actually have some energy and my head clears up.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Un Lobster....

Like clockwork he texts about hanging out tonight...at 6:30pm, I mean does my time mean nothing! I told him he let me know much too late and I made plans. So, that's where I'm at - No more, I'll just keep my interactions with him like that until he gets the point that he's no longer the focus of my attention...because he isn't. I'm happy about that!

Getting ready for my friends soiree - a very snug, body conscious blue dress from the co I work for. I get distracted, a very interesting invitation to drinks with a friend I haven't seen in quite sometime. Who goes to a birthday outing at 8pm anyway...so probably 5 glasses of wine and 4 hours later I'm still chatting away with my bud. Well, with that much booze anything is possible, right?

Skip, fast forward and it's about 11:30 when I get to the club. My friend is tiny, she's always been into physical fitness but all she looks so petite and cute, we hang out - I can't even think about drinking, but we dance, shake our bottoms and promise to do brunch soon.

It's Morning...

I got into bed at 2am last night - I had planned to get up around 7:45 and do Insanity then  to power yoga at 8:45am. I did wake up - and managed to put the dvd in and go through the workout - it was tough, I didn't get done until about 8:50 so there went yoga. But now I'm feeling so nauseous from last night...what was I thinking, exactly I wasn't thinking. I recently moved to a new apartment, sharing with an older woman but I don't love it, so I'm going to look at another apartment on the UWS at 12...need to get myself in the shower so I can have a peaceful walk uptown. Wish me luck - I hope I like it.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Drunken Blog....

Ok, so after the Al nonesense I got home and a friend was online - we'll call him Ben. So we chatted via facebook for 2 hours, needless to say I don't get to my Insanity workout (boo me) and I had him check out the blog and he asked if I had ever thought about writing. One of my english professors had encouraged me to, I can't remember which...but I was always a geat starter - but a terrible finisher (story of my life till now, maybe). I'd get so ensconced in what I was writing that I'd forget what the ultimate idea is and would be so paralyzed that I'd never be able to tie the ending to the beginning...very traumatic.

Ben is very supportive and a very interesting person unto himself. We have these deep conversations but I still feel like I don't know him well. I've always been terrible at keeping friends because I go at it all or nothing - I can't be surface friends with anyone, I need to give them my all and tell them all about me. And if that cant happen I abandon the friendship, terrible I know. THa's partly a reason for this blog also, so that peopl get to know the real me.

So while I'm chatting with Ben - I get an email from Israel, and he is guess what - Israeli.."ding ding ding", who guessed that? He asks me out for drinks - so since it's Friday and I'm not otherwise engaged...I agree. We meet at coffee shop at about 10pm I finish chatting with Ben, throw on my striped, body hugging dress (for the first time, to try it out) and a jacket to cover the curves and head over to coffee shop. I end up staying out until 2am and am about to crash...

Not Even 24 hours later and I've been crushed....

So throughout the day Al and I go back and forth on text, about plans for tomorrow. What I gather is he was not being (whatever - the word eludes me). But he may have someone stay at his place and wanted to feel me out about staying over.

This is basically the norm of our relationship, but we're not in a relationship - let's call them interactions. He'll be very sweet and charming as long as it suits his agenda (and my brothers warned me of this when I was in my early teens), then dead silence for a time. Over and over again, this is our cycle. Well you know how an addict needs to hit rock bottom before they can start to get better. This is me at rock bottom and I've been here before but I always manage to get looped back in. Well truth be told last time I looked into his eyes I didn't feel like a teenager, I knew exactly what was happening and it was fine - but no butterflies, just me being an adult and making an adult decision. But I convinced myself of a false idea/ideal and now I've been burnt for the last time...especially since I have to report on it and be held accountable by you, the reader. So embarassing - I think I'll die of embarassment before anything else! I'm sure there will be many more texts between now and tomorrow, I certainly hope not...but that wouldn't be the norm. I can say with all my heart that this is the end of the road for Al and I, there will not be another charming episode with false hopes and me left to scrape myself up from the tar of the paved streets of Manhattan. Basically, it's cold hearted biotch mode. Never again.

I leave you and myself with that thought as I head home, not to a pint of cherry vanilla Haagen Daasz, because I'm depressed no one will ever love me, but to face my workout with Shaun T towards my goal of a 6 pack in 55 days' time. I'll check in after my workout.

He's Her Lobster.....Where's Mine?

So, does everyone remember the friends episode with the lobster? Phoebe postulates "It's a known fact that when lobsters fall in love and mate, it's for life. You can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, you know, holding claws like." Then when Ross and Rachel finally get together and kiss, Phoebe goes "see, he's her lobster".

Well we all have, in the back of our minds, someone who we think is our lobster, "the one". If  you're married, hopefully it's your significant other and if not, wow, I'm sorry for you. Lately I've been feeling that there are several ones. But "Al" is at the top of the list. I spoke about him in my first blog. The mid 40 year old, brilliant mind, driven type, who's uber educated, so smart and that combination is very intoxicating...so I'm intoxicated, and honestly cannot think clearly when it comes to him. The bad - oh how about elusive, slightly delusional, acts like he's 30 something, you know, the playboy wannabe type, with a girlfriend conveniently across the country. Why would any man choose a relationship with someone within their town who they'd possibly have to see everyday and be accountable to - too much commitment and it'd cramp his lifestyle. Oh, you've got to love the game, Hardly!

It's sad when a grown woman of 30+ years reverts to a gushing teenager around anyone - but that's me, and sometimes I can't do anything about it. It's like a hormone has taken over and is running my body, you know ladies, like during our cycle!! And this is Al's effect on me - butterflies like no one's business, so engrossed that I forget myself. But should we always be looking for the butterflies, or is a relationship where there are none the better choice. This is my dilemma - I waver back and forth between the 2.....Someone who's Mr. Dependable, kind, considerate, thoughtful, always there for me, wants to commit to me and always thinking of me or the semi jerk who's elusive, acts like a teenager, inconsiderate, ends up hurting me, but gives me! I know what the mature answer is, but the heart wants what it wants...and for now, thats Al.

So, I invited Al to an old friends bday soiree Saturday night on Tuesday and he rarely replies to anything the same day (gotta break him out of that habit). I was skeptical I'd hear from him but he's just sent me some replies - yes he's been sick and running around interviewing, I get it. Since he wants to rest this weekend, he counters with an offer to go see a movie with him before or after the bday event. Who goes to a movie that late, especially if you need rest? Not sure what he's thinking with that one. But this actually progress, trust me this is progress! But have I really come to accept so little, what does that say about me? Ugh, I dread the answer to that. But I will continue with the Al saga later on, I have a lot of work to do.

Friday Am...

Woke up this am and feel I needed to clear my mind and have a more mellow start to the day, so I headed to Prana Power Yoga, right down the block. It was and intense battle with my mind - but I feel good and a little more mellow and less anxious than I have been feeling. I have to remind myself that in my stillness things will come to me. But being still is the hardest thing, I feel I need to constantly be in motion and making/forcing things to happen otherwise they won't and I'll be left behind. That's huge for me, all my life I feel I've been trailing where everyone else is. It's a defeaning feeling - sometimes it paralyzes me and other times it prompts me to try and take on everything - I'm constantly trying to find balance, that's my life's ambition. I wonder if it's anyone else's...or are wealth, prestige, recognition what most of us aspire to? But what if all of that never happens, what are we then left with...ourselves. How did/are we treating ourselves while pursuing these goals, I hope we're treating ourselves with kidness and love, the same as we attempt to treat all others. That's what I'm working on, being kind to myself.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bed...

My bed is calling, I need to sleep I have insanity at 6am and then I have to make yoga at 6:45am...I need Jenna's soothing voice and message to clear my head. When I first started going to her class, I didn't like her., She seemed kind of flaky - but she grew on me. I got to see that it's a natural bubbly, happy and general goodness about her - which I've come to appreciate and look forward to. Anyhow R is in Spain and S is there visiting her - so the only familiar soul I have is Jenna and Sig on Saturdays! Goodnight, until tomorrow - when more juicy tidbits will be revealed.

The First Kiss...

Ladies, we know that we all do it - wonder when is it going to happen? When is he going to make the first move. That first kiss is so important, it could determine if he's the one? A precursor to the possibility of what he's like, intimately. We base a lot on this one little thing..just so all you men know - getting lost in that first kiss is AMAZING, absolutely euphoric.

Well, I have been spending time with someone, we'll call him by his initials - TT. He's 5'8", nice, cute, funny -I can't stop smiling when I'm around him..not because he makes me laugh but I just think that everything he does is cute and I definitely find the humor in it. I find life so much more humorous after I began this blog and it truly is. But I digress...so TT, we walk over to one of my favorite restaurants to pick up some ribs but since he's a fussy eater (well he tells me as much), he didn't like too much on the menu and said we could order the ribs and then he'd make something at his place. So I'm like ok, you can just make whatever you were going to for me as well - walk back to his place. His brother is there getting ready for something or other and I meet him - not my intention at all. The meeting the family thing is just not what I ever aspire to at this point, date 3 or 4. So TT proceeds, in his own adorable way, to make this really tasty, simple and low caloric meal...and it was really good.

So, we eat and talk - about his work, he likes what he does and we usually talk about it - which is great, passion about work is great...ok if I were being real honest, maybe he's a little too passionate about work. He's CMO and his brother is CEO so when I call his brother his boss, he gets agitated - and for some odd reason this is cute to me. I think I've mellowed out- I'm a softee at heart, or maybeeverything new and novel is cute until it isn't and its all downhill from there. I hope not. So - we start out watching the yankees then I take control of the remote and we watch the David Spade show (he's hilarious, love David Spade), then some law & order: svu which was a repeat. Then yankees and hockey - since I don't like conversations where I feel the tv is the focal point - I straddle his legs which are up on the table and block his view of the tv. And I'm the center of attention....yay, me.

So, we talk for a while - I turn to cbs and the mentalist is on...he intimates, basically, that the date is over, he has this work thing coming up and he needs to do some work, go to the gym or whatever. I get the hint (his fussing about like a child) let him know that I get it, head to the door and he follows - I say goodbye go in for a side cheek kiss (my usual) but switch it up and go for a peck on the lips instead, 1st was a very light peck.. 2nd was a deeper peck, 3rd was a mouth slightly ajar kiss....and that's it. It was sweet and who knows. So I won't belabour but will say it holds a lot of promise.

Therapist...

Now that I've created this, I have a feeling a lot more things out of the ordinary are going to start happening to me. Or maybe this will make me mre aware and bring a different level of consciousness so I realize I need to stop wasting my valuable time.

Made my appointment for the therapist for today at 1:45pm. As a girl who usually works while inhaling lunch at my desk- I was already a little antsy about going. Get there at 1:45 and she takes another client, turns out she was running behind - are you kidding me....you're a therapist, if people do not show up at their scheduled time, reschedule them. How unprofessional. If someone books an appointment during what appears to be a lunch hour - its because it is and they are time sensitive. But maybe I shouldn't have made my selection of her because she's a woman, from a latin background (and i felt she'd be able to relate), and that she was close to work. But on the off chance that all of these criteria would avail me of a fantastic therapist, I did choose her and so be it...

Her assistant, didn't look a day over 18 - now I understand times are tough and the first place employers scale back is cost of employees - but come on! Is there no college educated, somewhat seasoned receptionist she could have hired? But that's unfair of me, it is what it is and she seemed very competent at her job.

So I decide to wait a bit, and just talk to her for 5 minutes and see if this is a common occurence or whatever. And feel her out anyway. The receptionist takes my insurance info and checks on it - its a $25 copay. I say, well since I won't be able to ge tthe full benefit of her time - I'm not going to pay, but would like to just talk to her for 5 minutes. The receptionist tells the therapist this and her response is, its still $25 to speak with her. So, I walk out and continue my search for a therapist....suggestions, email me.

Meetings...

I love when people (bosses) schedule meeting for a 1/2 hour and then it goes into the 2nd hour and it's going into lunch already. Solution, team breaks out the chocolate covered almonds and starts snacking. Really, just did the intense Insanity workout this am and now face the threat of ruining results with choc covered almonds....oy vey! After hightaling it to the loo, I'm onto my baked wild salmon and yams...delicious!

Haven't had time to think much about meeting my new therapist, I'm just going to go in there with an open heart and mind (the definition of humility according to the yoga sutras), be brave and tell her my story. And allow her years of experience to get me through the mud - I feel like I'm a good way through it but just need that helping hand extended for me to grab onto and pull myself out/free myself from the remainder...

Day 5 of Insanity -

I should've done this years ago - I like to think of a blog as therapeutic, and we could all benefit from some therapy. Which reminds me, I get to meet my new therapist today.

Day 5 of Insanity - I've decided to take the Insanity challenge to follow the workouts and get a rip roaring great body in 60 days. I tried P90X but you need all this equipment and let's face it, Manhattan apartments are small. All you need with Insanity is your own body weight and a thick mat.

I went to bed last night, after texting a male I'm interested in, Al - just generically what he's doing Saturday. Since a friend invited me to her bday gathering and I'm excited to see her. Al - the elusive, mid 40's man, brilliant mind, driven, carrying on like a young stud and has not a care in the world. I had written him off and told him as much. Then went back and accepted him into my life...I mean, really what goes on in my head. I'm the type I need to completely cut a person out to get over them. I am over him but I just start rethinking and it so cyclical. Well, I'm putting my foot down - first he never answers right back, takes a couple days...which is my biggest pet peeve. I vow, that this will be the last straw I'm better than this and deserve as much. I'll get deeper into men and my whole bizarre life as time goes on so bare with me everyone!

Back to Insanity - You know you're in trouble when half way through the warm up stretch, Shaun T says "y'all I'm afraid for what's about to happen" - almost shut off the tape right there, not...it was insane! Needless to say my obliques and core are so sore I can't turn around without feeling the pain. Took my recovery formula for the first time, along with some coffee and fruit that's breakfast - I physically can't eat, can't move to eat is what I should say. I'll post more later - because we have a ton of catching up to do!

Have a great day everyone.